Friday, July 25, 2008

Pigs on the Wing

Katie bar the door! Mike Hampton is gonna start tomorrow!
Atlanta Braves pitcher Mike Hampton is scheduled to take the mound against the Phillies on Saturday for his first start in almost three years . . .

. . . Hampton, a two-time All-Star, has been injured before his scheduled start three times this season. Hampton hurt his left groin while pitching in a minor league rehab game with Double-A Mississippi last week, but impressed manager Bobby Cox in a bullpen session Tuesday.
Cox was no doubt impressed by the fact that Hampton didn't spontaneously combust.

I have no idea what's gonna happen tomorrow, but my suggestion is to take any malady from the first list, and match it up with any body part from the second, and you'll stand a pretty decent chance of being correct:

List 1

Strained
Pulled
Torn
Dead
Gooey
Ruptured
Lazy
Swimmer's
Racked
Twingy

List 2

Elbow
Spleen
Butt
Pectoral
Achilles
Quad
Solar Plexus
Groin
Nards
Ear

7 comments:

McGatman said...

Hey Craig,

you forgot "Anal" and "fissures" in your list of possible malady combinations...I wish I could forget I'd read about them...

drpaisley said...

Cox was no doubt impressed by the fact that Hampton didn't spontaneously combust.

This reminds me of a (very) old "Tumbleweeds" cartoon. The tribal chief asks the medicine man/shaman to summon rain to their parched land. The shaman strikes his drum, and is promptly hit by a lightning bolt.

The chief looks at the smoldering shaman, and says, "What to do you do for an encore, disembowel yourself?"

"Disembowel" was my new word for that day. I was roughly ten years old.

And I believe that Anal Fissures had a brief callup with the Cubs in September of '47.

Jeff M said...

I'm keeping a close watch on the wires for the report that Hampton is a late scratch with Ruptured Nards, and will require a 4-6 week DL stint. He's like the Bill Murray from Groundhogs Day of pitchers.

Anonymous said...

I once got a case of Lazy Butt. It's no laughing matter

wrg885 said...

You a Pink Floyd fan Craig?

Chris H. said...

"Lazy Nards."

Izzat what happens after you turn 50?

Craig Calcaterra said...

wrg -- I'm a moderate Floyd fan. Probably the type that makes hardcore fans angry in that I pretty much limit my listening to Dark Side/Wish You Were Here/Animals/Wall.

Like every moderately morose teenager, I had The Wall on heavy rotation for those occasions when I broke up with a girl, got mad at my parents, got a hangnail, etc.

I probably listen more to Animals now than all of the others, though.