Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Police Blotter

I love reading the little neighborhood papers that run down all of the recently reported crimes. I live in a suburb full of awful white people, so eight out of every ten of these things in my local weekly involve golf clubs stolen from open garages. Amazingly, way more of these can be found during the spring golf-club purchasing season. Hmmm.

Anyway, the Philadelphia-area RoxReview runs one of these things, and their reports are way more interesting than the ones in my paper. From the stolen items file:

A total of 220 pills of Methadine, 80 Oxycodine, 240 Bextra pills, stimulus
check, two gold rings, two baseball tickets and portable safe were taken from
the 500 block of Martin St. on July 21.
The next Phillies home game after that theft was against the Braves on the 25th. Assuming the stolen tickets were for that game, this crime will never be solved. Why? because Brad Lidge gave up five runs on four hits without retiring a batter in the ninth inning that night, likely inspiring the thief to dull the pain with all of the Methadine, Oxycodine and Bextra he swiped, and then cash the stimulus check to buy some booze. Upshot: no evidence.