Pete Rose: Moral Compass

Seems that residents in the Philadelphia neighborhood of Manayunk are fed up with young drunks stumbling down the street, pissing on the sidewalk, and getting busy in the bushes. So angry, in fact, that they took their beefs to city council in order to get the city to do something about all of the depraved lawlessness. Heard to testify? The always-credible Charlie Hustle:

Disgraced baseball legend Pete Rose even testified, claiming to be a Manayunk resident, and also claiming he saw public sex: "This neighborhood is in serious jeopardy right now... I would go further and draw your attention to the witnessed fact that there is also public fornication going on in our front yards."

When reached for comment later, Rose confessed that he had never seen any public fornication. He simply said he did because talking about public sex was the only way he could "recapture the high [he] got from winning batting titles and World Series. If [he] couldn't get the high from playing baseball, then [he] needed a substitute to keep from feeling depressed."

Sources say that Rose remains banned from the laundry room of his Manayunk co-op, though he is confident that he will soon be reinstated and allowed to do his delicates again.

Mike Schmidt could not be reached for comment, but Joe Morgan issued a written statement of support.