Friday, September 28, 2007

Would You Believe That Barry Bonds Drinks Elk Semen?

In honor of Barry going gentle into that San Francisco goodnight, here's a bit of Plimptonian Sidd Finchery from a couple of clever wags at SF

Yet contrary to Anderson's public reticence, Leftwich claims during their time as cellmates the chemically enhanced trainer shared one shocking anecdote after another about Bonds and BALCO. Among the revelations, according to Leftwich:

• Desperate to combat the testicular shrinkage that can occur with steroids use, Bonds injected human growth hormone directly into his genitals during the 2002 playoffs — with disastrous results for both him and the Giants.

• In early 2003, owing to the performance-enhancing drugs coursing through his body, Bonds suddenly began lactating, forcing doctors to excise his mammary glands.

• Wary of taking steroids since the BALCO flap broke, Bonds, intent on maintaining his edge, now supplements his diet with "Barry's brew," a homemade high-energy drink made of elk semen that has yielded its own troubling side effects.

As the 2007 regular season — and Bonds' time with the Giants — draws to a close this week, the sordid details threaten to further tarnish Bonds' legacy.
Too clever by half, it seems. By the end of the piece the quotes become a bit too outlandish and the details -- the source stole $755? Anderson does 714 push ups a day? -- too contrived to allow the thing hold together as A+ satire. Of course, if it was totally dry it would probably take in enough people to prompt a lawsuit.

Fun, though. Especially the anagrams of the authors.

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