"Hi, this is Derek Jeter. When I'm not schtupping Hollywood stars or basking in the unwarranted level of adulation I receive from the fawning New York media establishment, I'm busy throwing A-Rod under the bus and failing to work on my defense (remember kids: if you can't get close enough to a ground ball for it to hit your glove, it's not an error!). But that doesn't mean I don't have any time for my fans, and while I have a moment, I'd like to wish you a happy Father's Day!"
"Hi, I'm Cal Ripken. While I'd hope you love me for my liquid blue eyes and my brave embrace of male pattern baldness, you probably remember me best for the Iron Man streak. But what you may not know is that in the late 1990s, this streak was extended artificially by sympathetic stadium employees who sabotaged the lighting system, which caused a game that I wasn't going to be able to make to be postponed. Why couldn't I make it? Because Kevin Costner was with my wife at a Motel 6, and I had to stop them! OK, that's not really true, but I just love that someone took the time to concoct an urban legend about a boring white bread star like me. Man, it gets lonely in Aberdeen. Anyway, Happy graduation!"
"Hi, I'm David Ortiz. Beisbol has been berry berry good to me. So good that, despite the fact that I'm slower than Manny, play worse defense than Manny (they won't even give me a glove!) and have had a far less impressive track record of offensive production than Manny, I am universally loved, while most people think Manny is a lackadaisical head case. Hey, no one said the world is fair! Happy Father's Day!"
I could probably go on and on, but if I did I'm probably not going to get that press pass I've had my eye on.